Friday, December 08, 2006

Internal Validation

I consider neediness a weakness. I don't need. If anything, one of my major needs is not to need. I have a fear of being dependent on things at a fixed, permanent level. What if these things disappear? Then what would I do? Therefore, in order to avoid such cataclysm of events, I avoid needing altogether.

I am critical of the idea of being one of those people who depends on some external object for internal validation. I don't need this sort of thing. I liken it to a disgusting life support system. All of those external props take away from the beauty of a person being able to live on her own. While I recognize that from time to time, it's necessary to get an outside hand, I have never and will never latch onto anything for permanent life support. If I can't do it and sustain it on my own, then it can't be done. Period.

I'm rather like a cat. I come and go according to my desire. I do not overstay my welcome. I don't stick around long enough to be taken for granted. I'm not annoying. I prefer to be missed, somewhat mysterious, and, of course, always welcome.


Anonymous said...

A very interesting perspective N. But most people have needs that include other people. This is not 'neediness' per se and need not be as extensive as something akin to 'a disgusting life support system'. But it's unique sort of orientation to have. Not exactly uncommon (many true 'loners' will appreciate it), but I can see why it would be attractive to all sorts of people. While many people will tell you that they don't 'depend on some external object for internal validation', that is indeed part of a description of what passes for 'normality' in the psychological community. So mysterious is just a start actually... But again being 'welcome' is highly observer dependent anyway, right? Just there's a certain logic to this. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

Namaste said...

haha. yes, vj. this post was written on the fly. by external object, i loosely refer to drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery. in terms of relationships, of course reciprocity is important, but neediness for the sake of it is not good. relationships should not be about dependency, but desire. fine line, perhaps, but who am i to split hairs?

Anonymous said...

This resonated with me. Openness is a strength, and enriches your life I think, if you acknowledge what it is you expect in a situation/relationships. Aspects that pretty much are an achilles heel and can be exploited to your disadvantage, ya well.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I can see the 'neediness' bit can be easily over done by people having less real needs than simply some psychological dependence on others or other states. Still, while not strictly age dependent, it is a description that only the young can dare to make.

I saw an older couple last night, friends I had not seen for the better part of a year. I was amazed to see my friend Mrs. T in her old fur coat out on the town as it were at a local Holiday party. Mrs. T was not expected to survive from her serious car wreck some 9 months back you see. The did not expect her to live, yet she survived. They did not expect her to awaken, yet she did. She was not expected to walk, and yet she does. She does not see well out of one eye now, and that's obvious. But for all the world, she looks almost amazingly normal for a gal her age. None of this progress would have been possible with out her dependence in every sense of the word on her dear husband and family. Mrs. T thought of herself as a fairly sick & frail woman before the crash. Now she knows she can almost survive anything with the loving support of her family, therapists and the larger community.

It may not be the way of all flesh, but dependency is a definite condition of growing older, almost anyplace. Ability is the dynamic state, it does not stay the same, it is constantly changing to try and keep up with the environment, internally or externally. There are many, many ways of discovering and measuring 'independence' and the extent of everyone's dependence on others. Classically this was a province of Economics. Nowadays we've got PT & OT to help you along in the tasks of everyday living.

They thought Mrs. T would never be able to feed herself. And yet there she was, grazing on the rum balls at my friends holiday party. Her desire was great now. She wanted to get back to her former abilities, and she's struggled a long way to get close. It was her family's desire to see to it that she get there, and that she continue to bless them with her life presence. As I told her hubby, 'She's one tough old bird'. Yep, if she did not konw it before, she knows it now. Desire and passion still mean big things for all folks, but they can mean life and death on an hourly basis for some. And sex needn't ever enter into it. Just a thought. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

Namaste said...

Thanks, VJ. I loved this response, and the story of your friend. It sounds like she did have a lot of support and determination. You make many sound points. Thanks for this.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you on external objects. Since when did a designer bag become necessary to define someone as worthy? Material independence is a must.

Wish I could have the same independence in love. I'm rather unlike a cat. More like a puppy always wanting to lay at his feet.