Dear Sir or Madam (or Oprah):
Please give me some of your foundation's money so that I can finish my dissertation research and be a contributing member of society one day (in the very near future). I do not have a trust fund, so please give your money to me and not to my colleagues who happen to be independently wealthy and don't need your money as much as I do. Aside from copious amounts of grief and guilt that I am yet to be "normal" and bear children so that the bloodline does not die out, my family is not a source of financial support. Money from you will allow me get through this last portion of my scholastic journey without having to work several jobs at once and cause harmful, long-term stress to my ovarian functioning capacity. I promise to be fruitful and multiply. I promise to give back more than I've been given. Vote for me! Eh, I mean, please give me money! Please?
Yes, please give me money so that I can continue to be a gypsy of international proportions. I love this country; I'm a loyal fan. I promise to come back to make big and important things happen here, but right now I would really like to be able to focus on my academic work while living on the other side of the world without having to worry about rent, food, heat and transportation. The country I have in mind is perfect for my needs. It has palm trees, great food, beautiful people and awesome beaches. It is also immersed in continuous conflict, so I'll never be without something to do. I have a gift for dodging bullets, and I particularly like the fruit smoothie drinks that are served on these aforementioned beaches. I strongly feel that greater access to these sorts of necessities will contribute to the deepening of my dissertation masterpiece. Is this too much to ask?
With your help, I promise to rock out my research in record time. I'm already ahead of schedule, but your support will allow me to get done even sooner. While in the aforementioned country on the other side of the world, I plan to pick up another language, too. Don't worry, I will give you full credit for all of my blood, sweat, hard work and toil. Previous experience shows my unfaltering record in mastering these sorts of things. I promise to deliver on my success, which will only make you look even more benevolent and good. All you have to do is give me your money. I'll be your poster child. Aside from my rock-star platitudes, I am also very marketable in appearance. People will tune in. I promise. I'll be your rags-to-riches success story. I'll tour around the country for you and sing your praises. I'll read stories to classrooms of little children. I'll wear a placard announcing that I am the recipient of your good graces. I'll name my first born child after you. I'll drive a car with your logo on it for the rest of my life. I am a super star. I am at your mercy. I am the horse you want to bet on. Give me your money. I'll be the best investment you ever made.
Thank you in advance for your consideration and support. I promise to spend your money well.
Namaste Ass-Shaker, Genius and Ph.D. Pauper Extraordinaire