Sunday, January 14, 2007

Fellowship Letters

Dear Sir or Madam (or Oprah):

Please give me some of your foundation's money so that I can finish my dissertation research and be a contributing member of society one day (in the very near future). I do not have a trust fund, so please give your money to me and not to my colleagues who happen to be independently wealthy and don't need your money as much as I do. Aside from copious amounts of grief and guilt that I am yet to be "normal" and bear children so that the bloodline does not die out, my family is not a source of financial support. Money from you will allow me get through this last portion of my scholastic journey without having to work several jobs at once and cause harmful, long-term stress to my ovarian functioning capacity. I promise to be fruitful and multiply. I promise to give back more than I've been given. Vote for me! Eh, I mean, please give me money! Please?

Yes, please give me money so that I can continue to be a gypsy of international proportions. I love this country; I'm a loyal fan. I promise to come back to make big and important things happen here, but right now I would really like to be able to focus on my academic work while living on the other side of the world without having to worry about rent, food, heat and transportation. The country I have in mind is perfect for my needs. It has palm trees, great food, beautiful people and awesome beaches. It is also immersed in continuous conflict, so I'll never be without something to do. I have a gift for dodging bullets, and I particularly like the fruit smoothie drinks that are served on these aforementioned beaches. I strongly feel that greater access to these sorts of necessities will contribute to the deepening of my dissertation masterpiece. Is this too much to ask?

With your help, I promise to rock out my research in record time. I'm already ahead of schedule, but your support will allow me to get done even sooner. While in the aforementioned country on the other side of the world, I plan to pick up another language, too. Don't worry, I will give you full credit for all of my blood, sweat, hard work and toil. Previous experience shows my unfaltering record in mastering these sorts of things. I promise to deliver on my success, which will only make you look even more benevolent and good. All you have to do is give me your money. I'll be your poster child. Aside from my rock-star platitudes, I am also very marketable in appearance. People will tune in. I promise. I'll be your rags-to-riches success story. I'll tour around the country for you and sing your praises. I'll read stories to classrooms of little children. I'll wear a placard announcing that I am the recipient of your good graces. I'll name my first born child after you. I'll drive a car with your logo on it for the rest of my life. I am a super star. I am at your mercy. I am the horse you want to bet on. Give me your money. I'll be the best investment you ever made.

Thank you in advance for your consideration and support. I promise to spend your money well.

Sincerely,

Namaste Ass-Shaker, Genius and Ph.D. Pauper Extraordinaire

6 comments:

El Guapo in DC said...

You should write to the Heritage Foundation. Great people over there who will be sure to help you out.

VJ said...

Um, No El G. the Heritage F. will not be spotting anyone some needed extra cash, even for worthwhile research that wholeheartedly agrees with their will known fascist & theocratic prejudices. It happens all the damn time. You'd sooner get some moola from the Duchess of Moola, Oprah.

In the interest of simple entertainment let's offer some commentary here on the general proposition:

1.) 'I can... be a contributing member of society one day (in the very near future)'. [This is strictly over rated, and a well known failing for a significant portion of our PhD's.].

2.) 'Aside from copious amounts of grief and guilt that I am yet to be "normal" and bear children...my family is not a source of financial support.' [It is ever thus, right? Have you tried some shake downs of *all* the cousins? Sold any organs? Replaced their entire inventory of blood every 2 years whether they need it or not strictly for the cash basis? Gone the Cookie (suggested?) route to surrogacy, (~20K is nothing to sneeze at)!?]

3.) '...my scholastic journey without having to work several jobs at once and cause harmful, long-term stress to my ovarian functioning capacity...' [There's more history in that one fragment than you'll ever care to know. For well over 100 years in America & much longer on the Continent, any 'book learning'/higher education/HS was said to substantially and immediately harm the reproductive capacity of girls & young women. Women always have had to work to support their families, so only the slim middle class & upper classes could ever 'afford' to keep their women from strenuous jobs outside of the household, and domestic servants soon picked up much of the 'inside the household' work, if they were lucky. So hard work harming the 'ovarian functioning capacity' of women? Yes this is entirely possible, it's just never been an acceptable excuse somehow].

4.) 'I promise to be fruitful and multiply.' [This may need some specificity here. Names? Dates? Times & places?].

5.) 'I promise to give back more than I've been given'. [Truly the rarest of promises. Seldom met, often promised BTW.]

6.) 'Yes, please give me money so that I can continue to be a gypsy of international proportions.' [Umm, Gee this sounds like, So very familiar. Did my application get crossed in the mail with yours?]

7.)'I promise to come back to make big and important things happen here, but right now I would really like to be able to focus on my academic work while living on the other side of the world without having to worry about rent, food, heat and transportation. The country I have in mind is perfect for my needs. It has palm trees, great food, beautiful people and awesome beaches. It is also immersed in continuous conflict, so I'll never be without something to do. I have a gift for dodging bullets...' [Yes honey, the Army Needs you too! We've got sterling education benefits if you know how to work the system, and the VA is actually working (so far) this year too!]

8.) 'I promise to deliver on my success, which will only make you look even more benevolent and good.' [All well & good and what they like to hear too.]

9.) 'I'll name my first born child after you.' [Yes, a very nice touch. More of these old pagan traditions!]

10.) 'I'll be the best investment you ever made'. [No doubt. You've got all those FCC licenses bundled up for us, right? We'll not ask how you managed to do this, but it's invaluable to the corporation .]

Cheers & Good Luck on the work! 'VJ'

Namaste said...

Haha. Thanks, EG. I laugh out loud to you. Hats off.

VJ: Thanks for the breakdown. It's so nice to see that you take me about as seriously as I do. :)

beth said...

Good luck, Namaste. You may be poor, but at least you're entertaining.

Phil said...

Oprah is such a selfish bitch.

Heather B. said...

Poster child of ass shaking phd-ness.

Groveling is never a bad thing. Trust me.