Thursday, November 08, 2007

Crossroads and Self-Consciousness

In my effort to be somewhat insightful and thought provoking, yet resoundingly private by design, there are certain things that I do not write about in this forum. This is partially due to the fact that I have a quiet loathing for the abundance of readily-available, bear-all stories that already grace the internet. Of course, I am more than happy to read them when I have the time, but I am also way too modest, too private, and far too multi-dimensional to write them. This is not to say that I couldn't post pictures of myself shaking my famous money maker on various couches and table tops in the DC club circuit. I could, but I don't. Those who know and love me embrace these experiences with me. Those who know me happen to know by default that one of my many alter egos has crazy-good rhythm, that I am prone to regular bouts of mischievousness, and that I seem to be a self-propelled magnet for magic and good times. Ironically, there have been moments when I have considered penning another blog in honor of my more high-flying experiences, but I have consistently resisted this temptation. Rather, it is more important for me to live my truths and write about them in a more reflective fashion than degrade my own reality with raunchy, tabloid-style interpretations of the same.

That said, I've been overcome by major, recent transitions in my life. The blog is corollary to this. Curiously, a few weeks ago, I noticed that my Favorite Books post attracted a great number of comments. Obviously, my readers are out there, just not commenting. Why? Secondly, it hasn't slipped my attention that the majority of my regular commentators almost always respond to posts on my academic challenges (and defeats) or my spiritual musings. As I'm processing through this phase of deciding what to do with my blog, I feel suddenly intrigued with the question of wanting to know who reads me and why? Obviously, I write what is in my head, with the censor button on certain areas of my life or thought processes that are TMI.* It's only lately that I've started to wonder what makes my readers tick. Who are you and what are you doing out there?

Here, I feel the need to open up and confess that the self-consciousness I have been feeling with my blog lately is due to the fact that I realize that this is a terrain where a certain person from the recent history of my personal life may feel as though he still has access to me, despite the fact that our time together came to an abrupt end not too long ago. My first reaction came from a place of disappointment when I considered shutting down the blog altogether as a way of fully cauterizing this connection. After all, my blog writing was the source of our connection, so why not just end it? My second reaction was to proceed as if this person never existed in my life. The thought was that I could quite literally "write" this person out of my life as I write him out of my blog. Why not just delete the posts that reference him just as I deleted his contact information from my phone and the pictures of him from my computer? This, of course, only made me laugh at myself when I realized that I was attempting to surgically extrapolate this source of pain from my life by being the great author of it. The thing is, no one has that much control, and life is not a page-turning best seller with neat and tidy chapter headings and twists and turns that always leave the heroine in a position of triumph. I fear that thinking this way is predicative of a number of psychological challenges that I unfortunately fail to possess. Ultimately, the posts remain, but I fear that my writing in recent weeks has grown watery, if not entirely uninteresting. I am at my little crossroads of Namaste. As I sit here drinking my tea and bemoaning the state of daylight savings time in upstate NY, I am tempted to ponder all of the things that I should have written in this post as a way of saving you all from my navel-gazing. Though I may not be ready quite yet, I am tempted to write about what I learned from this last relationship. I am also tempted to write about the transition I've been going through after coming back from living abroad for 5 months. I'm tempted to write about the state of my spirit in light of these events, how serendipity and magic always seem to fall into my lap, even in moments of what seems like personal disaster. I'm also tempted to write about the on-going academic dramas I have faced as a result of taking my latest teaching job...

So, I guess there are things to write about. A great deal of things. But for now, I should probably play my favorite game of throwing all of my balls in the air and leaving life (and my writing) to chance. Something is bound to fall first. For now, I feel the need to be open to what some of you all say...and to wait and see.


*"Too Much Information"


I-66 said...

I cannot remember why it is I began reading you, but it's been your way of painting a verbal picture and ability of making me see and feel what you saw and felt that's kept me coming back.

Well, that and I think you're pretty f'ing cool.

Anonymous said...

Namaste-- Your writing is consistently creative and raw. The one thing that I have always loved about reading you is that it's obvious that you write for yourself and not for us. You have a tremendous voice, which obviously emanates from an inner strength and unique self-possession. Some of us live vicariously through you because of this. Whatever happened with your last relationship clearly threw you for a loop, and you're right to take a step back to figure things out. But you don't seem like the type of gal to let things like this throw you. Whoever he was, he's probably missing you more than you realize. My two cents: Just keep writing.

Anonymous said...

As I've said previously, I'm a recovering academic. (No really!) I got here through the usual channels. I think I followed Cookie, and long before that something about finding some blogs & venues in DC, as I had friends moving there. I stay for the travel & writing& adventure. I agree with your guarded sense of privacy. And me, I really don't know how you put up with some of the blokes. But I'll chalk that up to a very giving heart. That goes with that teacher bit too. I can do volumes on that one thought alone also! Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure how I found your blog, and of course, I don't comment too often (once in a while though). But your writing is interesting and it's great to read about your experiences abroad and right here in the grand ol' US. It's just a strange connection with someone I've never met, but yet want to keep in touch with, if that makes any sense. :)

Anonymous said...

I think I got to you via reading I-66 at some point. Dunno. I do know that once I found your blog I've been reading ever since and it's been at least 6 months or more. I like the way you think about things and I envy the way you write about it and your experiences. Do keep writing. And thanks for writing. It's a pleasure reading. -Jenn

Anonymous said...

I found your blog clicking through the DC blog scene when I first moved there more than a year ago. Quickly thereafter I deleted all of those blogs from my favorites list and kept yours and a handful of others that make me think differently about the world. My favorite posts of yours are those in which we are learning right along with you. You are challenged, we are challenged. You see something new and crazy, we see it too. I agree with the other poster that it's clear you enjoy writing. We are just along for the ride. You are the driver. Please just go somewhere new.

Anonymous said...

I found you from Restaurant Gal's page, and found her through the Waiter Rant page...not sure where I found that one. What first caught my attention was your adventures in the Middle East. I quickly went back the the archives and read them all. I was first amazed at your courage and strength of character, gives me hope for the human race. It was also your writing ability. Others could have told the same stories without pulling me someone else said, your ability to paint the full picture held me captive. I've not been reading long enough to really grasp any of the more personal connections, they are there, but it's back ground to the adventures, and the adventure is where my attention was focused. I also love your outlook on life, and have found similiarities to my own outlook. It's enough to keep me checking in nearly every day. Congrats on the teaching job - an underpaid, overworked, and under appreciated profession as far as I'm concerned. May you continue to enjoy life, not just live in it.


Anonymous said...

Reality check:

Namaste, you're fabulous. Keep on writing your amazing, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants stuff, and we'll keep reading! You write with the wind blowing in your hair. It's a gift, and an honor to read you.

Anonymous said...

You have truly been blessed with the art of writing. Fulfilling your dreams and sharing in such a descriptive,captive and interesting manner is what keeps me reading.

You have shared moments of your life that touch all emotions.

Your writings also seem to indicate YOUR love of written word!
Please, carry on!

Congrats on your teaching positon!
Anxious to hear more!

Anonymous said...

I don't know how I found this blog either, but I have really been interested when reading about your experiences in Palestine and Israel for example. It made me glad to read about travelling in these regions from a more "human" and "empathetic" perspective, stories about the people for example, as opposed to the black and white extremes you so often hear in politics.

I love to travel, and I love reading about different places I hope to see one day. When I read about your experiences, it makes me want to experience some of these places for myself even more.

In any case, Namaste, you have a way with words, and I like words, and so I read :)

Peace. Issa (a reader, but occasional commenter)

Anonymous said...

i read your blog because your a good writer. you have a way with words, a good heart, interesting perspective.

also as a girl of 20 (with a few things in common with you, i think) its nice to read a small chapter out of you life and maybe see a bit of myself in the future.

and as far as the breakup....let it throw you. let it fuck with your head and then give yourself some time. everything should clear up

Anonymous said...

I found you via Waiter Rant who used to link to El Gaupo who had a link to you if my memory serves me correctly.

I have been reading for maybe a year but never commented before. Partly because I feel you write, first and foremost, for yourself - to record your many and varied adventures and the thoughts and reactions they evoke. The other part is that I sense you have such a strong sense of self (in a good way) that you don't need others input because you don't write to please an audience. I don't mean you don't value others input, more that you don't need it.

Your writing is captivating - you lift me out of my every day existence and transport me to where ever you are, into whatever situation you are in. You are an amazing young lady - packing a lot into a fast paced life, but not losing yourself along the way. It appears that you live each moment of your life authentically, keep an open mind and heart but have the presence of mind to always ask questions. You're fabulous - I hope you don't change anything and continue writing so we can tag along for the ride - especially love your spontaneity and zany side and your ability to laugh at yourself.

As for personal revelations - I think you have the right balance. I don't keep coming back hoping to hear about your very personal life. How you mind works and how you express what you see the world is what gets me.

Anonymous said...

Personal, private, out there, out in the open--to write about it or not, to reveal it all or not? I wonder about it every day. Your writing is strong and clear. Your stories weave a richly layered fabric. To bring it all to a halt is as unecessary as feeling like you have to write it all.

Anonymous said...

how you write and how I live have a touchstone of curiosity, grace, generosity and perceived uncertainty and that is how I respond to what you post here.
You write from your own set of specifics that have absolutely nothing to do with my own, and your approach to experiences and the consideration you pay to life, is your own private affair, that finds no intersection with mine. I feel comfortable with what you disclose, because it is at your discretion and because I trust the rate at which you measure things.
And sometimes, what you have written, I feel it was written for me to read.

Namaste said...

I have to say that I am so fortunate to have so many amazing readers. Thank you so much for your comments and personal emails in response to this post.


Jessica said...

You know what I think about this. Write on my muse...