Saturday, October 18, 2008

Latency

"Please...tell me...how long will this misery last? And what is this stage of mourning in that I am homocidal?"

This is the content of the first text message this afternoon from a dear friend who happens to be dealing with a relationship that was dead before it was ever conceived. I have watched for months as she tried to breathe life into something that was only making her more vulnerable and costing her of her own life force...

But this is how these things go sometimes...

As her friend, I listened, but I knew better than to think that I could save her from the lesson that loomed so evidently from my lifeguard's perch. Somehow, I had a feeling that this is the lesson that she has been learning with men over and over again for the bulk of her adult life.

So I responded by telling her that the misery will end when she decides to free herself of it. It will go when she is ready to let it go. Yet clearly, these sorts of ameliorative urges are best performed in the service of ourselves...

We talked soon after this--a long distance call from across the world. She was alone and alienated in Berlin, and I am here, equally alone, yet thoroughly enjoying my exile.

Even as we talked, it occurred to me that my arms wouldn't be big enough to hug her if she was sitting on the couch next to me. In the end, I suppose that we make up our minds not to feel hurt. In the end, I assume that we decide when the beginning will be. In the end, I am fairly confident we are the only ones who can save us from ourselves, with just a little help from our friends...

Yet, two hours later, I am stumbling through the query of why some people sail through their personal relationships with ease, while others seem to endlessly suffer through round after round of relationship combat and combustibility. What's the deal? Do the latter learn and grow from their biggest disasters, or do they simply restock in order to become better at reconfiguring the same struggle again and again?

As I move through a self-induced state of healing and necessary relationship latency, I wonder...

I just wonder.

That's all.

2 comments:

Restaurant Gal said...

This is why I say, "I don't want a boyfriend." I want no more of the angst and stress and circular talk about the angst and stress with my girlfriends. Even as a really nice man is trying make me change my mind....

VJ said...

I truly think that it's partly family history, and a deep psychological bent resulting from same. And a bit of genetics too. Some people are just born to be untroubled. Almost as a mater of course no matter where they are or who they're with. But the only way to overcome all this misery is some learning. Self knowledge is the first step here. What's the pattern and what's gone wrong & why? And why the constant repeating of the pattern?

The nice men are always fine, but it sometimes takes a lifetime to 'rediscover' them after ignoring the patterns that keep repeating on us. Some of us are lucky too, and that helps. It always helps to love with the mind first and not just the loins. But that's really hard to tell almost anyone under the age of 70 perhaps! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'