Monday, June 08, 2009


My Kabbalah teacher advises against the use of astrology. According to him, the use of astrology as a way of guiding our actions and choices actually mitigates the choices that we can allow ourselves to make more creatively in our interactions with the tangible world. He does not deny that astrology is "real" (because it is determined by G-d), but he adds that the sense of finite determinism that comes from astrology robs us of our choices to act upon and shape the world around us as a way of having a relationship with the Infinite. In short, we always have a choice, and we have more control than we allow ourselves to imagine. Sure, it may happen that the tangible universe is in sync to totally screw us up at certain times, but this is part of the challenge and beauty of being human. It is ultimately up to us how we deal with this information.

Interestingly enough, my trusty horoscope this month said that the full moon on June 7th will bring a vague money matter to a head. Specifically:

"Saturn is in your house of hopes and wishes and social fun, but will add a cranky element. Saturn will send a strong message to be practical, but having fun and being practical aren't usually two factors that go together. Alas, Saturn may prove to be a spoilsport near this full moon June 7, plus or minus four days. You will have to write at least one big check (possibly more), and it seems to be one that is painful to write. Perhaps you will have to find ways to cover the full amount."

Reading this a week ago, I thought it was a bit weird and overly specific yet also too vague. But, predictably enough, June 7th found me suddenly strapped with the emotional and financial cost of having to doubly pay for believing someone's lie.

The horoscope seems to indicate that I will just have to suck this up. It will be painful and unavoidable, and there is little that I can do about it. But as painful as the shock and disappointment of this was, I refused to let the matter go with the person responsible for causing it. Not only did he owe me a big apology, but I refused on principle to pay for his lie. In the end, he never issued a formal apology. He back-peddled. He said he loved me. He said he would never intentionally try to hurt me. He honored my request and paid me back in excess to the amount that was owed. I know that this is his apology. I do not have to like how he handled this, but I can choose to take it for what it is worth and let it go.

It does not make me particularly happy that things had to come to this. I have no anticipation that my relationship with this person will recover from this much disappointment. After all, I am thousands of miles away and even more time and distance will be put between us as the year unfolds. He is as good as his word, and I do not expect that he has the courage to extend himself to me in a way that is healthy. He'll find someone else to lie to--including himself-- because, of course, they always do. But how and why this happens in his life is no longer anything that concerns me.

Relationships--no matter what their level--take work and energy to nourish. Traveling as much as I do, I have learned to do my part in keeping up with the people who are important to me. But, believe me, I have also learned that time and distance have a direct way of shaking out the strong from the weak. Live on the other side of the world, and you'll have a much better perspective of yourself and others.

Meanwhile, a guy friend of mine in Jerusalem thought it best to point out yesterday as I agonized over coffee and cheesecake: "Namaste! It's not like you don't have 10 guys who are completely in love with you right here. I mean, seriously--you've got more than enough love to keep you warm." And even the horoscope for this month adds:

"If you are single and hoping to meet someone new, Neptune's closeness to Jupiter this month through December will be an amazing blessing. Be out circulating! This year will be a very special one for love!"

Oye vey.

I'm not certain if I will go to Spain now. The innocence of it has been emptied and replaced with too much skepticism. But I do know one thing: This certainly doesn't take me out of the fun.

Thank G-d for those who love us well. I hold you all that much closer today.

Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem...



Anonymous said...

When 2008 turned to 2009, I proudly announced to all my friends, "This is the year for love!" Six months later---and several dating experiences later---I realize I never clarified what kind of love...

But, despite the disappointments and hurts, despite the men who've come and gone, each day I look around me and think how lucky I am to be loved by so many, in such different ways. And I am the happier for it.

And it sounds like you are understanding the same.

Cheers to the year for love, eh?

Namaste said...

hahah! love it. thanks, hannah.