Yikes!

Ok, so it's been kind of a lllllllllllllllong, crrrrrrrrrrrazy summer. Wonderful summer, but rather long and crazy nonetheless. I've been...busy.

So, today is August 31st, which I personally consider the last day of summer. To culminate the absolutely insane meanderings I have had for the past few months, I will be standing the wedding of a good friend this weekend. I'm not sure what else I will be doing besides, like, standing there, smiling for pictures and stuff, try to look pretty, dainty even, and trying to feed my friend smallish morsels of her favorite protein bar throughout the day so that she doesn't pass out and ruin her hairdo. Other than this, I have no date, I will be the youngest person (besides the in-utero fetus of one of the other bridesmaids) there, and yes, the only single person. And when I say "single", what I really mean to say is, um..."unmarried".

None of this makes much of a ripple in my pond. After what I've been through, standing in a wedding is one of my biggest honors. I'm happy to have made it back to even be here in the first place. And, as always, I am totally ready for the action. Let's do the hokey-pokey. I can have fun in a locked closet. I'll be the leader of the "Electric Slide". "Brick House" is my best wedding song in the whole world. I even have my own routine to the "Macarena". Weddings are my thang!!!! (Perhaps this is why I've been in so many of them?) I'm an EXPERT!! Bring it! Did someone say that the single bridesmaid in the electric blue satin frou-frou dress drinks anything she wants for free? I thought I heard that too! I'll have a Jack and Ginger, Mr. Bartender, Sir. Let's parrrrr-tay.

So, I'm getting amped for the festivities. This morning I laid out my new flashy silver shoes for the event. And, like every seasoned bridesmaid, I purchased a new set of little soft footie pad things to go in my shoes, right under the ball of my foot so that I can withstand the onslaught of walking around in extremely sexy heels all day. Today is my day of aesthetic preparations for the event. I honestly feel like I'm getting ready for prom '94, '95, and '96 all over again. This morning, I had some lovely ladies from southeast asia do a number of profound and miraculous things to my feet and hands. They painted my nails in such a way that it almost looks like I do not have nailpolish on at all, and at the same time, my hands and feet now look certifiably plastic. They call this a "french" manicure, which, by the way, is most certainly THE most American thing I have ever experienced. Chuckle-chuckle. Anyway....

Yes, I even went to the tanning salon to rid my body of unsightly bikini lines from my long days on the Tel Aviv beaches this summer. As I was allowing my body to sizzle for 20 minutes under the natural/unnatural lights of indoor "sun", I wondering if I was, in a way, "tanning away" the last remnants of my insane summer. Perhaps. This tan will fade too. But by the time it does, the leaves will be off the trees. It made me wonder how long this french manicure/pedicure will last.

Finally, I just got home from my day of amplifying my feminity, when I decided to actually try on the bridesmaid dress that I will be wearing on Saturday. The last time I actually placed it on my person was the day that I received it in the mail--last April. As I said, since then, I have been a little busy. And people have said that I look like I have lost a little weight, but I can assure you, it hasn't been intentional on my part at all. In fact, it's sad to say this, but I have seen the inside of a gym in 3 months! So, I put on the dress and instantly noticed that it's really easy to zip up. I looked down to see if I had it on right, reached for the mirror on the back of my bedroom door, and it instantly fell down on me, revealing, shall we say, everything that my mother gave me. Oh noooooooooo. I stood there, looking at myself, thinking "Oh my god, I look like the Olson twins in this thing."

Yikes.

It's a strapless dress, and now, it seems, I have absolutely nothing, NOTHING to hold it up. Two days away from the wedding, and there is no time to get it altered to size. So, it looks like I am heading to the mall again. I'm hoping that the girls at Victoria's Secret will have something for me. Like, a new pair of 34 C's to keep this thing from showing my belly button. I'm thinking a gel bra with those flesh-like jelly-things...

Ah, like I said, it's been a crazy summer.