Funky is the New Fresh

Recently, I've decided to test out a hypothesis I've been working on. My hypothesis is this: The amount of time taken in preparation for a night out is inversely proportional to the quality of men I will attract.

First, allow me to define my terms.

By "quality man" I specifically mean a man with an IQ near or around 130, preferably with all of his original teeth. He has a college degree, is financially stable, professional and successful, over the age of 26. He is well-dressed, but not overly pretentious in his demeanor or style. He is emotionally and legally single. He happens to be enjoying an evening out with a few friends, but he's not a "regular" at any establishment other than his local supermarket. He is able to have a good rapport with his bartender, but he's not overly or belligerently drunk. It is clear that he's as relaxed, calm and casual in a hip lounge sort of place as he would be in a hipster coffee shop. He's clean without being clean-cut. And, best of all, because of the IQ and education thing, he reads, has his own interests, has good taste in women and knows how to cook.

Clearly, these sorts of qualities are not readily discovered during a 10 minute first encounter, but it is more to say that often times, a "quality man" is a rarity in a sea of less than charming personality types which casually frequent...dare I say prowl?...the general range of hip, late-night establishments in any major city around the world. They can typically be spotted by their flashy clothing choices and attire, making them appear wealthy and financially successful, when they typically live beyond their means. Because men like this have a tendency to be attracted to a material lifestyle beyond their reach, they are similarly attracted to women who appear as though they value the same thing. Men like this often appear in sets of two, wearing identical designer jeans and striped shirts and the same, strong cologne. Sometimes they each have highly-manicured facial hair in the form of the "chin strap". Sometimes not. Most of all, men like this can be seen flocking to the women who take upwards of 2-3 hours to get ready for a long, sweaty evening out with their identical sets of friends. Like their men, women like this are perfectly plucked and manicured. The push-bras are all in the right place, enhancing their fabulous dye-jobs and overall super-stylishness.

So, I put my hypothesis to the test. From start to finish, I spent 2 hours getting ready to go out. Every hair was perfect, the outfit was tight, revealing, hi-fashion and consciously slutty. I sat myself down at a bar with one of my most-manicured girl friends, ordered an Amaretto Sour, and started taking notes. It didn't me long to establish a few experiential mantras:

First: Slutty is as slutty does. If I make a gaggling, slutty spectacle of myself, I'm automatically a flame to a million prowling moths, who may or may not have the best of intentions.

Second: Pretentious is as pretentious does. The more upscale the establishment, the more pretention abounds. Still, this does not mean that there are still not a million prowling moths, with or without the best of intentions. It's unfortunate to say, but it's still often the later.

Conversely, I have actually started to note that my inverse proportion hypothesis becomes marginally diminished when I throw on a cute shirt, comfortable pair of jeans, sheer lip gloss, light blush and no more than one brush of the mascara wand over my lashes. Hair in a ponytail, sometimes two, serves me just fine. The push-up bra is inconsequential, because I'm normally not wearing one anyway. In fact, I'm so rarely showering after yoga class these days before dashing off to meet a friend for a quick bite to eat and/or a cocktail. I'm often caught in public wearing my glasses, too, which seems to be a honing device for interesting and eclectic male personalities who are more interested in conversation than looking cool next to their [rented] Hummers. Amazingly, my extremely low-key efforts seem to be the attributes of quality man-catching. Without layer of make-up on my face and lifting, prosthetic device at my chest, I am relaxed, happy and in my own skin. Without the stobe light and deep bass music pounding my thoughts away, I can hear myself think and actually sound witty in a conversation.

So, my research findings are these: Coffee shops are infinitely better spots than weekend bars for meeting quality men. But if it is a bar, it will usually be during a late-afternoon happy hour, and only light alcohol consumption is taking place. Never, ever on the weekends. And also, for that matter, bike shops and art galleries are good places too.

Who knew?